Gariepy’s 20 Axioms of Local Government
After a decade of careful study, I have determined the following rules about local government to be axiomatic and therefore unassailable by either conservatives or liberals alike.
Compliance with the following rules is not only expected, but mandatory, as they are as well-accepted as the Constitution and as incontrovertible as the Law of Gravity.
If you dare even consider an alternative viewpoint, ye shall be cast in with the followers of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the Illinois Nazis, supporters of the FBI actions at Ruby Ridge and members of the Chinese Communist Party.
Since I am being kind enough to save you a decade of your own time figuring this out, you may render your payment in gratitude for the education via Paypal to email@example.com.
Gariepy’s 20 Axioms of Local Government
1. The sole legitimate purpose of local government is either road maintenance or the organizing of volunteer fire departments. Take your pick.
2. Tax increases are enacted in secret, and the public will not be informed before the vote is taken, especially if it is to be put to a vote by the public.
3. Every product or service purchased by a municipality is either unnecessary, substandard, inefficient, more expensive than if purchased by the private sector, or all four.
4. Taxpayer-funded services provided by local government are always inefficient and are readily available at lower cost to individuals paying out of pocket in the private sector.
5. Any public expense costing more than $2 in annual property taxes is wasteful government spending, and you’ll be threatened and harassed until you pay it! The money should be spent on road maintenance instead (See #1).
6. The purpose of public art projects is to create personal monuments to the politicians who voted for them. They are wasteful government spending and the money should be spent on road maintenance instead (See #1).
7. Support for any tax or tax continuance renders an individual a ‘tax and spend liberal’ and any prior acceptance of that person as being a conservative is rightfully revoked.
8. Support for any legislation designed to protect the rights of vulnerable groups renders an individual a member of the extreme left wing.
9. Most large scale public works projects are merely the outcome of a personal vendetta between an elected official and resident, or a group of residents. They are wasteful government spending, and the money should be spent on road maintenance instead (See #1).
10. Major decisions cannot be entrusted to elected officials and must be decided by a public vote because we live in a democracy.
11. Professional, paid police officers and firefighters are overpriced luxuries the public can ill afford. (See #1)
12. No taxpayer-funded, outsourced public service shall be provided by the public sector for any reason. To do so is emblematic of socialism.
13. Municipal budgets are exempt from currency inflation, as are the personal budgets of municipal employees.
14. Public meeting attendance is a license to harangue public officials. Cab drivers get first dibs, then former politicians, then folks who couldn’t get elected. Ideologues come next, followed by the merely insane or terribly confused. The public meeting is also the perfect place to harangue the supporters of the public officials, and additionally demagogue, libel and slander them! Yay!
15. For the purpose of any budgetary discussion, municipal government is the moral and fiscal equivalent of the federal government.
16. The First Amendment mandates maximum public speaking times of at least fifteen minutes.
17. Policies you disagree with can only be usefully discussed while on camera at a public meeting.
18 People and places of worship associated with Christianity are welcomed and encouraged. The presence of other faiths causes property values to decline and violent crime rates to increase.
19. ALL Politicians are lying, overpaid sociopaths who seek election only to aggregate personal power for themselves in order to swindle the public out of its hard-earned money.
20. Any public official who defends his opinion on a controversial issue is disrespectful to voters and should at be kicked out of office and possibly prosecuted for a crime.
Remember, folks, political careers are made of this stuff. Any transgression of the axioms usually results in at least four new politicians running for office during the next cycle, each claiming they’re “not a politician” and that they’re going to “drain the swamp.”